Before I was a mom, I would hear parents say these weird, ridiculous things to their children, and quietly laughed, thinking, “I’d never have kids that would do weird stuff like that!” Oh, how naive I was…

hedgehumor
weird things as a parent

They’re Not Mine

Having four children means I get embarrassed double, if not four times, as much as the average mom. I say “embarrassed”, but lately I just pretend they’re not mine. Who are those kids that just jumped into the mall fountain…? With their clothes on!? I should probably get them to the proper authorities. Look at what a good Samaritan I am…

She couldn’t pick the pencil up.

My middle two are super curious little creatures, and whenever we visit anybody’s home, they’re constantly opening cupboards to see what’s inside. They don’t take anything. They just look. But still. (My mom said I did the exact same as a child) And then, last week my son asked an older couple (they’re grandparents already) how old they were. When they answered, my son replied with, “Woah! So you’re almost dead!?”

I think I’m the one that died.

I’m That Mom

So yes, I’ve truly become that mom who says those weird things. In the privacy of our home, but also (oh-so-many-times) in public. Here are a couple I’ve had to say. Some I’ve had to repeat. Several times. Others, I’m embarrassed to say I’ve even had to say it once! But here we go..

Baby swimgoggles funny face
Apparently we need to wear goggles. In bed.

“Come here, let me sniff your bum.”

“You’re willy is not a toy!”

“Stop pulling your bother’s willy!”

“Can you please take Batman out of your pants?”

See how much you can squish your face up against the trampoline net

“Don’t put blueberries up your nose.”

“No, you can not sit on my face.”

“Don’t eat the candle, please.”

“Don’t pick your baby sister up by her neck!”

“Stop asking strangers for money.”

you're not a doggy - parents

“Hands out of the poo, please.”

“We don’t drink toilet water.”

“Why are there marshmallows in your sister’s nappy?”

“Can we not eat the bumcream, please?”

“Take my underwear off your head. It’s not a hat.”

“No more sandwiches! Finish your ice cream.”

“Please stop making snow angles in the Checkers’ aisle.”

“The toilet brush is not a hair brush!!”

“Finish your food. There are starving children in Africa.” Aren’t we children in Africa, Mama? “Just finish your food.”

“Don’t lick the TV screen.”

“Don’t lick the wall.”

“Don’t lick the neighbour’s dog.”

“Don’t lick my toes!”

“Don’t lick the toilet bowl!!!!”

“Why did you put nail polish on your face?”

nail polish on baby's face

“Let’s not see how far you can pull your willy…”

“Don’t eat fries off the floor!” (while waiting for our food at McDs)

“I am not edible. Stop eating me. Stop licking me. Stop smelling me.”

“Where did you pee?”

“Stop shouting at the sheep.” (Yes, true story. My kids get excited when driving past farms)

“Whose poop is this?”

“You can’t eat stuff from the trash!”

“The coffee table is not a bed.”

“Ooo! New episodes of Paw Patrol!”

I’m Not Alone

Knowing I’m not alone, I asked some of my friends about their experiences, and here’s how they gave me a little of my sanity and pride back.

I find myself saying a lot of cringeworthy things to my teenage son, like the other day, “Im giving you an instruction, I’m not asking for your opinion!” – Lucae, My Spreadsheet Brain

“We all fart, just don’t fart in his face.” – Judy, FunMammaSA

“Can we please not poop in the bath again?” – Gabi, @life.and.lilian

“Hubby (walks into the bathroom whilst I’m on the toilet seat, trailed by one of the boys): Why do you never close the toilet door? Me: I never get a chance to have it closed!!” – Olwethu, Art of Superwoman

“Stop licking your sister! She’s not food!” and “What are you scratching…!?” – Nadia, The Non-Adventures Of A Stay-At-Hom-Mum

“Please my baby, just one more bite, just one more bite for mommy!” Literally all day everyday. – Loren, @her.scattered.petals

“I call my kids the wrong name. And I swore I wouldn’t do that.” Le-Andre’, Spirited Mama

“I never thought I’d say, “I’m the boss.” I always thought I’d be so democratic, but it just doesn’t work!” – Phumza, Phumza Marumo Blog

babies climbing doors

Love,

Simone

12 replies
  1. Spirited Mama
    Spirited Mama says:

    I desperately needed to laugh a little even though it’s a bit tricky right now. “Whose poop is this?” #dead
    As parents we all seem to do things we said we wouldn’t but hey there is no manual and we’re all just trying to keep everyone alive and fed. Way to go Mama x

    Reply
  2. Franci
    Franci says:

    Hilarious! And I’ve probably said all those things too (except the willy ones, seeing that I have all girls!). The one I always said I wouldn’t say is “If you want to keep crying I can give you a reason to cry!” Ugh, and then I’ve said it. ☹️

    Reply
  3. Johan
    Johan says:

    On your post :Things I thought I never say. Last pic of kids climbing up the security gate..
    Thought crossed my mind: One day those kids will escape!

    Reply
  4. Futhi
    Futhi says:

    Oh my goodness, as for “Woah! So you’re almost dead!?” that cracked me up. This post has been therapeutic for me having been my best.

    Thank you for the good laugh and consolation too, i am normal.

    Reply
  5. rosie
    rosie says:

    Lol I’m looking forward to hearing and saying these things!! This really made me laugh and excited for the next chapter of my life.

    Reply

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