This has been coming for a few months. Dropping a ball every now and then. At first I could blame it on the end of the year approaching, but then the balls that has been up in the air since forever, started dropping more often. And yet I couldn’t admit I needed help.
I’m a master at juggling. Not real life juggling (I’m not that good!) but…well, life juggling. My friend often joke that I’m SuperMom. My kids are smart and super-well-mannered. I have a good and happy marriage. My business is flourishing. We’re excellent at budgeting and managing our finances. My home is well-kept. And I cook balanced meals and lunchboxes. Only by God’s grace.
But one by one, my balls started dropping. My kids started fighting and having behavioural issues. It’s fine, it’s fine; end of the year everyone is tired. Hubby and I weren’t fighting, but living past each other – working way too hard, but not getting to spend any time together. No worries, almost holiday. We’ll rest and spend all the time reconnecting. Business was all over the place. I’m not getting enough time in the day to complete even the simplest of tasks. Deadlines missed, incorrect orders, employee issues… I’m not finding the time to exercise. At all. And then money issues. “It’s December, relax a little!” Yes, my home is a mess, but remember – it’s holiday, and all four kids are playing in the house nonstop. It’ll get better… Eat the junkfood we got. No, I can’t play right now. Mommy’s tired.
Mommy’s crying. Mommy has a headache. Mommy is fighting with us again. Mommy doesn’t want to play.
It’s been a couple of months of me holding all the balls that I’m pretending to juggle. Trying to throw one of two back in the air and wanting to catch them with tear-filled eyes, but dropping them most times.
We had a good day today. My husband and I had an amazing time with the kids and in a little reconnecting moment, we started taking stock of where we’re at. Emotionally. Physically. Just our life in general. And it created such an honest environment for us in which I could admit, without breaking down in tears, that I’m not coping.
I’m struggling to juggle it all. In fact, I haven’t been juggling in a long time, if I have to be perfectly honest. I don’t just feel like I’m failing in one area; I feel like I’m failing in all areas.
And you know what? It felt great to admit it. Just saying it out loud and not feeling judged.
I’m writing this today because I know I’m not the only one. I know so many of us have been trying to keep it all together for our family. For the sake of peace (not like that’s really working). And the more we try to convince others and ourselves that we’re “fine”, the more we drop balls, and the guiltier we feel.
Today I’m writing to let you know you’re not alone. You’re not perfect. And you don’t need to be. You don’t always have to juggle it all faultlessly. Some of the time it is OK to put these balls down, and stop juggling for just a minute. Give them to someone else, if you can. If you can’t, put these damn balls down and say “I’m not coping! I’m struggling the juggling.”
I’m still Supermom. Because I love my family unconditionally and will go to the ends of the earth for them. I’m not Supermom because I have it all together. Obviously I don’t. I’m feeling overwhelmed and often like a failure as a mom, wife, friend and business partner. I am Supermom because I can admit I don’t have it in me to clean my house properly. I’m Supermom because I fed my kids only fish fingers and mash two nights in a row. I fed them and they got their favourite food. I’m Supermom because it took me TWO WEEKS to fold the laundry and put them back in the correct cupboards. (We’ve been living out of the baskets for a while…)
I’m Supermom because I’m not judging you. I think you’re amazing for admitting you are struggling. How brave you are to admit it. How amazing you are for trusting someone with your insecurities. I adore that you know how to put it all down for a minute. How special that you allow yourself to breathe.
Just know, I’m on this journey with you. We will get back to juggling beautifully again. One ball at a time.